Friday, January 07, 2011

The Dead Baby Rating System

Now, many of you have read the title and are screaming "WTF???? AH!!!!!!!!" This is understandable. But bear with me. This is going to be good.

Before I can introduce you to the system, however, it is vital to know what a dead baby joke is.

How many babies can you fit into a telephone booth?
Depends on if they're blended or not.
How do you get them out of the booth?
With a lot of Tostitos.

Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was stapled to the chicken.

How do you get a baby to crawl in circles?
Nail one of its hands to the floors.
How do you get it to stay in place?
Nail it to a tree.

You are now initiated to dead baby jokes. You are very welcome.

Ok, if you're still reading this, either A. You are a sick, sick bastard, B. You are too horrified to stop reading or C. You like these kinds of jokes because you enjoy life.

I am the third kind of person. I try to find pleasure in all the small things, and I am a happier person for it (I think at least). A further discussion on happiness can be found here. Dead baby jokes are tasteless, lame, horrifying, and in real life would be horrifying. But it's a joke. Just a joke. Nothing more. Laugh at it. That's it purpose.

Ok, time to get to the rating system.

I have no idea how I developed it. It just stuck me one day. My friends and I enjoy dead baby jokes, and we make them often. One day I was off watching a movie with my girlfriend, and I decided that I wanted to inform everyone on Facebook and Twitter of how good it was. So I updated both of them with something like "Just saw [insert movie name here]. Good film. 4 dead babies out of 5." I laughed at it, my girlfriend rolled her eyes at it, and we moved on. Some friends were horrified that I did that, some laughed, some know that I'm that sick and twisted and just brushed it off as another one of my things that makes me "unique" (the polite way of saying WEIRD AS HELL!!!). Later, I saw another movie, used the system again, and it stuck. I've applied it to everything, from movies to books to TV shows. It can be used ANYWHERE! It is that versatile.

So how does it work?

In the early days, It ranged from 5 to 10 dead babies, with the higher number being better. In other words, 5 out of 5 dead babies is better than 1 out of 5 dead babies. Now, I more or less standardized the system (as much as a system based on death can be standardized) to be out of 5 dead babies. Then I added live babies. Live babies are bad. Like, conspiracy theories that we staged the moon landing bad (WE LANDED ON THE MOON IN '69 PEOPLE! GET OVER IT!). So, 1 live baby out of 5 dead babies is really bad, and something rated 5 live babies out of 5 dead ones should be doused with holy water, crushed up, burned, buried, and nuked. Thankfully, I have never had to go that far with a rating.

Some examples of the system in use:

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: 5 DEAD BABIES OUT OF 5! OMG!!! SO GOOD!!!

The Repairman Jack Series: 4 dead babies out of 5. A good series, but it drags in some places. Overall, an excellent read though.

Burlesque: One solid dead baby, two still borns, and a Baby K. Good film, but predictable, saved by its wit and humor. (Yes, a bit complicated, but all those mean something to me. So there.)

So that's how its used. I even had a spin off that I only used once, and it was very effective. It was called Good Day Baby. That's a for another post, however.

And that, my readers, is the Dead Baby Rating System I developed. You may now steal it.


Anonymous said...

OP is a faggot.

Anonymous said...

Actually I kinda like this, OP.
I'll be using it for my own ratings.

10swords said...

"Actually I kinda like this, OP.
I'll be using it for my own ratings."

Thanks anon :) Glad you enjoy it as much as I do :)

Anonymous said...

You're a fucking faggot. I hate you.
But I'm following you anyway because you blog makes me smile.

You fucking cunt.

10swords said...

To the above anon: Um... Thanks?

Anonymous said...

i lold

Anonymous said...

so it's like star ratings but super edgy?

I want to be edgy.

Anonymous said...

I think your blog is overall pretty meh, but I still find your desperate attempts to get any sort of online recognition charmingly naif.

Good luck with that, kid. Hope you get many readers.

A non Anon said...

Very nice, taking and using it.
OP is not a faggot.