Thursday, July 28, 2011

Great Diet Tips, Given By Someone Who Has No Idea What They Are Talking About

Something a little different this week...

Dieting is hard. I have to do it a lot, my girlfriend and her mom are constantly on one, and there's no fun in it. So I decided to put some fun in there :)


So you want to go on a diet and stay on a diet, but you have no motivation. I have plenty for you.
1. If you are 250 pounds and have no chance of being a wrestler, that's all the motivation you need. 
2. Order a pizza. Now don't eat it. Can't do it? Then you need a diet plan.
3. Do house hold laps. Sit on the couch. Now walk into the kitchen. Now go sit back on the couch. Now go back to the kitchen. Now got sit back down on the couch. Are you winded? How many sandwiches do you now have made? If the answer is yes or more than one, that's your motivation.
4. Count how much of exercise equipment you have in your house. If you have more than one, you need a diet. Fit people go to the gym. Duh.
5. Paint your toe nails. A few days later, try to remember what color you painted them. If you can't remember and can't look down to check to make sure you're right, you may need to reconsider your lifestyle choices. Guys: Say you bought the paint for your girlfriends. There will be no cheating here!
6. Count how how many Twinkies you've eaten since midnight. If the number exceeds the number of hours you've been awake, a diet plan is perfect for you.

Tips for Losing Weight

So now you are properly motivated. Now how are you going to lose all that fat?
1. Smoke more. As long as you have a cigar or a cigarette in your mouth, you can't put food in there, right?
2. Brush your teeth more often. You know how when you brush your teeth, and then afterwards nothing tastes good? That's how this works. You'll be skinny AND have a perfect smile.
3. Don't sleep. When you sleep, your metabolism slows down. Keep it ramped up by staying awake.
4. Drink more water. If you have a lot of water in your belly, you wont feel hungry. And because it's water, it has nothing in it. So it's like anorexia, but with out the hunger pains, right?
5. Become a stoner. Have you ever seen a fat stoner? No. And yet they eat all the time. I rest my case.
6. Start a life of crime. With all the running from the cops you'll do, you have to burn SOME calories. And if you get caught, you'll have plenty of time to work out and get the body you and your cell mate always wanted you to have.
7. Sleep more. If you're sleeping, you're not eating. Problem solved.
8. Get diabetes. It forces you follow a strict diet of no sweet and not a lot of carbs. Or your foot will fall off. That's still weight loss, right?
9. Eat a lot of fiber. I know the government says to eat a lot of it, but I'm saying eat even more than that. Or even laxatives. If you eat enough, you'll get exercise by running to the toilet, and you'll poop all the food out before you can digest it.
10. Eat. A whole lot. The more you eat, the more you puke. It's like bulimia! But more socially acceptable!

Tips for Keeping the Weight Off

1. Follow all the tips for losing weight listed above. Yeah. It's pretty much that simple. Keep up the good work.

I don't see how people think dieting is hard.

All work and no play makes 10swords a dull boy, right? If this is your first time visiting the blog, it's not normally like this. Just something a little different ;) As always, I would like to know what you think! Leave me a comment or yell at me more privately. Either way, thanks for reading, and this will be back on track next week! 


Afireinsyde said...

Yea I'll totally try that >.>

Goji Berry Juice said...

These are some good tips, but strange. Thanks for posting quite humorous post on weight loss. People who seriously into weight loss should NOT follow the advice given in this article, really.! :)